My Ideal

I was asked by my therapist a few weeks ago to write down my “ideal” in terms of my relationship.

  1. My ideal is that my better half excercise her control and pursue other women for purposes of having sex with the two of us on a periodic basis. That she take charge of keeping us engaged with a “girlfriend” or girlfriends.
  2. I want to feel free to pursue other women for purposes of having sex with me and my partner in the event my partner doesn’t have the energy or inclination to pursue other women herself.
  3. I want to feel free to pursue other women for purposes of having sex one-on-one, or with my partner watching, if my partner doesn’t have the energy or inclination to participate.
  4. I want my partner to feel free to pursue other women for purposes of having sex.
  5. I want to talk about jealousy more often and deal with it head on, rather than ignoring it.

I was asked by my partner a few weeks earlier whether or not I wanted to “date” other women. I said no. I don’t want to date other women, I want to fuck them. I often say that I’d be happy just “making out” with someone new but to be honest, making out is a sexual act. Once you’ve gone down that road, kissing, heavy petting etc., going “all the way” is just a short step across a finish line. It’s a climax but it’s often anti-climatic. The climax is often not the fun part.

My sex is an intimate and affection sex. It’s often hard for me to simply call it fucking because I do put my heart into it a fair amount of the time. That is perhaps why it’s difficult for me to identify with the swinging scene and prefer to try and label myself polyamorous. Love for other humans is a part of it. But this should not be mistaken for an opportunity to create a deep, lasting or romantically monogamous bond for another person. This is not about a romantic deficit in my current relationship. It’s about having fun and enjoying other people. I want to date, be romantic and build a life with my better half and no one else.

To be clear. Meeting other women for purposes of sex one-on-one is not, in and of itself, my ideal. My ideal is that this is a shared activity. However, if my better half has the “control” at present and isn’t excercising that control, my ideal would be to not feel obligated to keep my wants and desires subservient.

All of this comes with some caveats and/or no-go’s.

  1. Family and career comes first. At no time should the pursuit of women on my part, or on the part of my partner, take priority over time as a couple, with the family, or career obligations. This includes our indivual families from previous marriages and the new family unit we’re building together.
  2. At no time should a connection with another woman get so strong that it violates caveat number 1.
  3. Nobody should get hurt or be manipulated.
  4. No laws should be broken.

There are lots of other “guidelines” my partner and I have discussed in terms of age ranges and the mental/emotional stability of those we meet. Those things should be honored as well but they’re not deal breakers for me and I don’t think they’re at the root of the contention for me.

If my partner for example said “Don’t pursue 20 somethings on your own, that triggers a level of jealousy for me that is too much.” I could 100% honor that. But those details are easily discussed and I don’t think they need to be explicitly called out here.

I should mention other men. My partner has consistently said that she is not interested in pursuing other men. I’m not sure if that is completely accurate or if she is just concerned about my level of jealously, but this has been her position.

When the subject of my pursuing members of the opposite sex one-on-one comes up she often eludes to the fact that she should be able to do the same, and even goes so far as to remind me that she’d have an easier time getting laid. This upsets me sometimes because I see it as a bit of a manipulation. I’m sure it’s not conscious but it does bother me. So my “ideal” when it comes to other men is simple.

  1. I want my partner to feel free to pursue other men or couples for purposes of having sex with the two of us, or one-on-one, as long as it’s from a genuine desire of hers, and not coming from a negative place.
  2. At no time should a connection with another man or couple get so strong that it violates the caveats above.
  3. To be clear, these are my thoughts on caveats for men and other couples. Men or other couples are not generally part of my ideal. I’d be perfectly happy having the only dick in the room.

I think that covers my ideals and my caveats as they relate to the inclusion of other people into our sex lives and by extension, into our lives and relationship.

Call for Help with Graphic Design

Hello there friends and lovers. Would you do me a favor? I’m looking for help on a logo, and potentially a digital caricature of myself for this online presence. Eventually I may do a custom WordPress theme but probably not initially. If you could reblog, retweet, or simply pass this information along I’d really appreciate it.

I’m interested in supporting someone who is part of the polyamorous, swinging and/or LGBT community if I can find someone good.

Thanks!

Shopping for a Couple

Better-half has been showing consistent interest in searching Swinglifestyle.com for a new and interesting interaction lately. I know that sounds pretty generic and non-committal, but I’m trying hard not to have expectations or limit our possibilities.

We’ve done this once before and are still friends with the first couple we met. We haven’t had sex with them in quite awhile but we have socialized a few times with them again lately. It’s hard to describe why we’re not having sex with them currently. At first it seemed more about the other commitments we’d had and the collection of fantastic experiences we had with Sailor Girl,  a story I will tell later.

Lately though it feels like it’s been more about a lack of resonance with the swinging lifestyle.

I enjoy sex a great deal and there was a time I would never have imagined I’d consider passing up an opportunity to have sex with an attractive couple. But there’s something about the lack of a certain softness to that type of scenario that turns me off a bit.

Anyway, my partner and I have been making good progress on communicating about these things. I think she finds this type of scenario a bit less challenging and energy draining than developing a closer relationship with a solo woman. She knows that would be my prefference, especially seeing as how she’s not really all that pumped about having another dick around, but I can appreciate the allure of how easy swinging can be.

We’ll spend more time tonight looking over profiles. She’s often pretty particular about the female half of the couple, more so than the male. I have typically been more interested in the physical attraction where she’s been more interested in understanding how emotionally stable and trustworthy the woman is.

One of the things that differs this time around is my plans to be more discerning about the male half of the couple. There are a few reasons for that. First and foremost, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about feeding this desire to get physical with a guy again.  I’m not ashamed to admit I’m going to be picky in this area. I know what I am interested in and I feel better about myself when I don’t compromise.

But I’m also interested in finding a guy I actually like. Better-half suggested that a bisexual or bi-curious man may be more likely to be a bit more laid back than many of the overly masculine men in the profiles we’ve seen. I also, the more I think about it, tend to get along better with the more effeminant men amoung us and I think it’s safe to say I’m more likely to find that in the gay or bi crowd too. My biggest concern is the level of aggression the guy has. That’s a bigger turn off or red flag for me than I ever realized.

This is a bit of a step in a new direction for us and I like the possibilities it represents. I don’t know that it will be the a silver bullet of compromise I think I’ve been searching for, but there’s certainly lots of potential fun to be had.

Building a Polyamorous Community 

One of the main goals of this site is to build a supportive community of people who think differently about love, affection, intimacy and sex. Part of that goal is motivated by my own selfish desire to have a group of people I can lean on when I need to. Part of it is motivated by my desire to figure out a way I can help others.

I realize the site’s following is modest thus far, but I’d like to begin leaning on you early. I have two main questions.

  1. What sites or apps do you use now to communicate with other poly people. Who do you follow on social media. Who do you lean on?
  2. What kinds of things can’t you find online? What can this site do for you? What can this site do different?

I ask the first because I’m still building my own community. I’ve started following a great bunch of people here on WordPress and on Twitter. I’m aware of a few forums but haven’t joined any yet. I’m interested in learning more about sites you love and find helpful. Maybe even something about the sites you think I should steer clear of.

I ask the second question because I’m excited about blogging again. It’s been awhile. I’m really enjoying this theme and I’m optimistic that I can keep writing here. I have a few ideas for the site and I’d like to know what you think.

I’ve considered using it as a place to connect people who would truly like to have another human to write to, one-on-one. I’m “in the closet” about the openness of my relationship and I suspect many of you are. Would you find the one-on-one, yet distant nature of a pen pal type of relationship appealing?

I’ve also considered trying hard to attract  guest posters or perhaps even share the blog with other writers. I’m interested in keeping my finger on the pulse of the poly community at large and that will require help. I’m interested in covering news and current events that might relate to our community. I want to promote positive change and acceptance for us all. Maybe even fight “the man” a little on topics of interest.

Please take a moment to chime in and let me know your thoughts. I feel uniquely positioned and motivated to make something positive out of this current burst of blogging energy I have and I’d like to take you along for the ride.

Do we just have more capacity to Love?

My mind is swirling around a bit today. I’ve got issues I need to write about but they should have their own posts. As I was mulling those things over and trying to get my thoughts organized an idea occurred to me that I’d like to concentrate on a bit, perhaps get some feedback on. 

I still struggle to label myself as polyamorous. It feels like an admission that there is something about myself that I can’t control. At least that’s the way I look at it sometimes. I realize we’re all conditioned by culture to feel the need to control who and how we love, and I kinda hate that, but its hard to kick the conditioning. Of course to control it, I have to want to control it and I don’t think I want to. 

Regardless of the labels or the challenges, I’m wondering if some folks just have a greater capacity or inclination to love than others do. That’s the way it feels to me at times. I think I could spend all my time meeting, socializing and working to get intimate with other people if I didn’t have other obligations. I’m in constant need of physical touch and emotional validation. I suppose that might sound broken to some. But when you take away all of the material things, when you realize just how short your time is, what else could be more important?

On the other hand, maybe it’s not our ability and willingness to display love or our sensitivity.  Maybe it’s simply our thirst for variety, for that spark, and our desire to share new experiences with as many people as possible. 

I often think my drive to “love many” stems from the fact that I missed doing so in my younger years. I married my ex very young, I was still a teenager. We had children before our brains were themselves fully formed. So the years I should have been spending learning what I like about people, and to be quite frank, fucking everything that moves, was instead spent changing diapers. 

So I don’t know if the labels matter. I don’t really know why it is I have this drive. But one thing is for sure. I have it. I feel a deep burning need to be out there meeting new people, flirting, building chemistry with others.

Do you ever think about why you’re this way? Do you continuously analyze it? This strong capacity to love means that I’m also extremely sensitive to the needs of my better half. Do you find that your love for your life partner means you sometimes work to stem the flow of outward affection for others?

I’d really like your feedback. I don’t know if getting answers to some of these questions will truly help me to settle into my own skin a bit more. But it certainly couldn’t hurt. 

SNAPSHOT the FILM

Jiz Lee's polypenpal body shot

I started following a woman known as Jiz Lee on Twitter recently as I’ve begun to build my own personal community of sex positive people.  I don’t really know that much about her yet but she’s been working hard to promote what looks to be a pretty neat film project and I recently decided to do my small part.

Jiz has been offering “belly shots” for a $20 donation to the film project and she’s been churning out a ton of them. This has got to be taking a lot of time and energy for her, considering the creativity involved in the shots and I felt compelled to try and draw a small amount of attention to that.

#SNAPSHOTtheFILM is a project it’s director Shine Louise Houston calls a “Different kind of coming out story”.  I don’t know that Shine is much of a supporter of polyamory but there are parallels between coming out as gay or lesbian and polyamorous.  I’ve taken to supporting the LGBT community myself due in part to these parallels and I wish Shine the bets of luck with her project.

Be cool, be fucking cool

Better-half and I had a great discussion last night. It was very candid and open, we began to talk about specifics. It wasn’t easy, she still has very little energy for other people right now due in part to some pressing family issues, but the dialog was generally positive. 

My therapist had given us some homework that got the conversation started. We’re both suppose to write down our ideal relationship and our No-Gos, things we won’t tolerate. 

Her “ideal” can be summed up in two words… Be cool. Or more specifically “Be fucking cool.”

This might sound abrasive but you’d have to know her personality. 

She’s open to having enjoyable things happen with other people. Where she has trouble is in how pre-meditated I often want to be about it. I want to search and plan and talk more about it. She’d rather things be more spontaneous and organic, and she’d rather it not be our main topic of conversation all the time. 

I think we came to the beginnings of a compromise last night. She’s starting to realize that being open or poly is not something that is going to go away with me. At one time I think she assumed it was more of an itch that needed scratching. Last night I think she came to realize, in a fairly positive way, that this is not something I want to change. She agreed to a periodic and consistent dialog on the topic, every week or two, so that my desire to discuss it could be met. 

I agreed to try and be cool. 

I think “being cool” means letting go a bit. When I let her have control, things go much better. I love the way she approaches building a relationship with another woman or couple. The women in these situations often really need to build a trust with one another and I highly respect that. It’s quite beautiful to watch actually. Whenever us horny men get involved and get too excited about things, we just make it weird. 

I need to stop making things weird. 

Two images come to mind when I apply brain cycles to this subject. One is of Dos Equis’ “Most Interesting Man”, the other is the character Dex from the movie Tao of Steve. Both of these men symbolize coolness for me. They symbolize the idea that the less we’re spewing words of want and desire all over the place, the more likely our wants and desires will come to us. The idea that, in some ways, we attract that which we repel. 

So in the words of Dex from the film, from now on, I will try to…

  • Be Desireless
  • Be Excellent
  • Be Gone 

In other words, I’ll try to be fucking cool.