I was asked by my therapist a few weeks ago to write down my “ideal” in terms of my relationship.
- My ideal is that my better half excercise her control and pursue other women for purposes of having sex with the two of us on a periodic basis. That she take charge of keeping us engaged with a “girlfriend” or girlfriends.
- I want to feel free to pursue other women for purposes of having sex with me and my partner in the event my partner doesn’t have the energy or inclination to pursue other women herself.
- I want to feel free to pursue other women for purposes of having sex one-on-one, or with my partner watching, if my partner doesn’t have the energy or inclination to participate.
- I want my partner to feel free to pursue other women for purposes of having sex.
- I want to talk about jealousy more often and deal with it head on, rather than ignoring it.
I was asked by my partner a few weeks earlier whether or not I wanted to “date” other women. I said no. I don’t want to date other women, I want to fuck them. I often say that I’d be happy just “making out” with someone new but to be honest, making out is a sexual act. Once you’ve gone down that road, kissing, heavy petting etc., going “all the way” is just a short step across a finish line. It’s a climax but it’s often anti-climatic. The climax is often not the fun part.
My sex is an intimate and affection sex. It’s often hard for me to simply call it fucking because I do put my heart into it a fair amount of the time. That is perhaps why it’s difficult for me to identify with the swinging scene and prefer to try and label myself polyamorous. Love for other humans is a part of it. But this should not be mistaken for an opportunity to create a deep, lasting or romantically monogamous bond for another person. This is not about a romantic deficit in my current relationship. It’s about having fun and enjoying other people. I want to date, be romantic and build a life with my better half and no one else.
To be clear. Meeting other women for purposes of sex one-on-one is not, in and of itself, my ideal. My ideal is that this is a shared activity. However, if my better half has the “control” at present and isn’t excercising that control, my ideal would be to not feel obligated to keep my wants and desires subservient.
All of this comes with some caveats and/or no-go’s.
- Family and career comes first. At no time should the pursuit of women on my part, or on the part of my partner, take priority over time as a couple, with the family, or career obligations. This includes our indivual families from previous marriages and the new family unit we’re building together.
- At no time should a connection with another woman get so strong that it violates caveat number 1.
- Nobody should get hurt or be manipulated.
- No laws should be broken.
There are lots of other “guidelines” my partner and I have discussed in terms of age ranges and the mental/emotional stability of those we meet. Those things should be honored as well but they’re not deal breakers for me and I don’t think they’re at the root of the contention for me.
If my partner for example said “Don’t pursue 20 somethings on your own, that triggers a level of jealousy for me that is too much.” I could 100% honor that. But those details are easily discussed and I don’t think they need to be explicitly called out here.
I should mention other men. My partner has consistently said that she is not interested in pursuing other men. I’m not sure if that is completely accurate or if she is just concerned about my level of jealously, but this has been her position.
When the subject of my pursuing members of the opposite sex one-on-one comes up she often eludes to the fact that she should be able to do the same, and even goes so far as to remind me that she’d have an easier time getting laid. This upsets me sometimes because I see it as a bit of a manipulation. I’m sure it’s not conscious but it does bother me. So my “ideal” when it comes to other men is simple.
- I want my partner to feel free to pursue other men or couples for purposes of having sex with the two of us, or one-on-one, as long as it’s from a genuine desire of hers, and not coming from a negative place.
- At no time should a connection with another man or couple get so strong that it violates the caveats above.
- To be clear, these are my thoughts on caveats for men and other couples. Men or other couples are not generally part of my ideal. I’d be perfectly happy having the only dick in the room.
I think that covers my ideals and my caveats as they relate to the inclusion of other people into our sex lives and by extension, into our lives and relationship.